I have something to say, something that needs to come out because otherwise it will fester inside.

I am so irritated right now. I am the sort of Christ follower who will say, “Lord, take me to the hard places because then I know I will see you!” Next time I pray that honest-but-oh-so-dumb prayer, slap me. Because this is a hard place, this place of waiting.

I’m waiting to hear from the Montessori school.

I’m waiting for my sister to come home and our relationship to be just as it was before she left.

I’m waiting for a second part-time job to come through.

I’m waiting for a guy to text me back in what can be considered a reasonable period of time.

I’m waiting for customers almost 6 hours a day who will buy more than $31.78 per transaction.

I’m waiting for a new friend to come into my life – preferably one who lives somewhat close instead of the many who live hours away.

I’m waiting for my family to be my family again instead of this strange mixture of changed people.

I’m waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet and make me feel alive.

But the most illogical thing I’m waiting for? I’m waiting for God to do all the work in our relationship. This hard, trudging walk along the transformation of college student to functioning adult is tricky. There are way too many ways to stumble, twist my ankle, or fall off a cliff. Dumb decisions are easy and unsuspectingly close. And so I find myself staring down at the ground as I attempt to navigate this highly unanticipated and particular path called “my life.”

The infuriating part is that I know I need to lift my gaze from my feet to my Saviour. There are so many reasons each morning, afternoon, and evening that I do not – none of them acceptable when viewed with an eternal perspective. This waiting is a result of dissatisfaction with my own life and not a result of dissatisfaction with the numerous blessings God has granted me.

So in the end, I am truly irritated with myself…for choosing incorrectly, for choosing something else instead of God, for choosing to complain instead of praise in this hard place. Circumstances should not dictate my worship of God; getting a job contract or a relationship OR NOT is no excuse not to praise my Lord.

I’m sick of waiting, but I don’t know if I can shake off my apathy to act.

[How’s that for honest?]