I'll be happy when I'm happy and I'll be sad when I'm sad

For those of you who do not know, my grandmother has been in the hospital since Sunday night.

(You all know where this is going...)

She is in her late eighties and hasn't had the best of health for quite some time. I knew it was a risk going to Spain - that she might pass away while I was here. However, I was very much encouraged when I left because she was actually feeling better! I saw her walking around the house without a walker and I know the week after I left, my Dad took her out to dinner. Therefore, when I was told her was in the hospital because she was in pain, I put some faith in doctors and wonderful pain-killing medicine, assuming she would get better in a few days and return home.

Wrong.

Monday night (GMT +1 --> that means Spain time) I called my Dad's cell (again, another tangent: I pretty much adore skype) and Dad answered. He and Mom were together and then I could hear it in their voices. They told me that Grandma wasn't doing well and was in the ICU. I start crying because I know this means the end is soon and I am not home - oh no, I am 4.000 miles away in Spain.

Keep in mind that I am sobbing in front of nearly all the students in the library. Why, oh why, can't I be one of those people who look beautiful when they cry?

Fast forward to Tuesday... I cried in my first class, was numb and couldn't think in Spanish during any of my classes, and then cried some more when I skyped Mom after classes. Still skipping a lot... I went out to Starbucks (oh the irony) with Julie Ann, the Student Director here and one of the most fabulous people I have met. We spoke in English and I was able to share everything that was on my mind and heart. Julie Ann was such an encouragement and as I was sitting there slurping down my chocolate frappacino, I felt a peace. I know that I am here for a reason. God did not forget about my presence across the Atlantic and He is not in Heaven going, "Oh crapeth, I forgot about her. Well, drat it all - what is Plan B?" No, God knew that I would be over here alone, far from family and friends, and that something catestrophic and emotionally draining would happen. He knew this, He planned it, and He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" that I will be fine and benefit from this.

Julie Ann also challenged me to think about who God wants to be to me right now. How am I going to see Him in ways that I couldn't have if I were here and Grandma didn't die or Grandma died at home and I was there? So often we look for what God is doing but I want to look and see who God is and will be to/for me.

And so, my beloved Grandma Gerd is dead; she is gone. It probably won't fully hit me until I arrive home in May and realize that she isn't there. For now the loss is only in my thoughts, when I realize that I am not going to be able to show her the pictures I have taken here in Spain or tell her stories of traveling to our castle in Germany. It is hard to think that she won't be there. She has always been a significant and important part of my life. I am so blessed to have spent 21 years with her and had her there to celebrate my last birthday (Dad drove her and my Grandpa out to IWU to celebrate... I think that is one of the best birthday gifts ever).

I want to enjoy Spain for my Grandma. She helped fund a HUGE portion of my trip and she is also the one who first inspired my love for castles and Europe and so many other things. I will enjoy this while remembering her... and so I will be happy when I am happy and I will let myself be sad when I am sad.

Life goes on but God is eternal, therefore I can rest assured.