Since Then

My last post was in the middle of March. Just like my plans for my semester abroad didn't turn out the way I had expected, neither did my plans for keeping up with my blog.

I was reminded again that I am not in control. Life happens, people make decisions, and I can only deal with the consequences of other people's actions. The real choice though is how am I going to deal with it? What choices will I make? How will I respond?

Right now I am a little bitter. I am bitter that my trip did not go the way I had planned it to go. My dream of being in Spain for four months did not turn out the way I wanted it to. Before I left I looked at pictures of a friend studying in France. She had adventures, made great friends, drank wine, and had a typical experience. While I was in Spain I followed another friend via Facebook as she studied in Italia. I observed the photos she posted and saw the happy smiling strangers bond as friends, as if there was not a care in the world. I had expectations of having a "normal" study abroad experience and that didn't happen. I don't want to be different and I don't want to be the odd person out. I don't want to be the girl you have to make allowances for because A happened, followed closely by B, and then C was the cherry on top.

Bitterness is not attractive and I will make a conscious choice not to be upset about what I experienced. God had a set plan and He is in control. He knew before I left that my grandparents would die. He knew before I left that my maternal grandfather would suffer from a major heart attack the same night my paternal grandfather passed away. He knew before I left that my heart would be broken by a guy I cared deeply about. He knew before I left that there would be issues at home and that secrets would be passed into my safe keeping. He knew before I left that I would be stretched until I thought I couldn't be stretched any further. God knew all of this. He let me go to Spain and He molded me, He refined me. God purposely broke me, taking away so much, in order that I might be built up again according to His good purpose.

I didn't travel to "exotic" locations. (Spain isn't exotic anymore - it is home.) I didn't meet a bunch of new friends. I didn't flirt with hot, foreign guys. I didn't drop a bunch of money shopping and return home with stylish new clothes. Those are things I expected to do (in moderation!). When you ask me about Spain, chances are you will receive one of three answers: (1) Spain was awesome and I had a good time; (2) Spain was awesome but it was really hard; or (3) Spain was painful and hard, but I saw God in ________ and that made it all worth it.

Right now I am not answering my phone when people call and I am not calling people back. Please, I am not doing this because I don't want to talk to you or because I want to ignore you. Instead, I am doing this because I am not ready to talk. I can't talk yet. I don't know what to tell you and I don't know how to put a limit on what is acceptable to say. You don't want to hear all the details of every problem, but each detail is a huge thought floating about in my mind. Also, I can't be a friend and ask about your life. Right now I don't know how to deal with my life.

Just sitting here, considering what to type, brings tears to my eyes. I want to cry with my friends about my grandparents, about the pain and uncertainty caused by a certain guy, about how homesick I am and how being home doesn't alleviate that. I want to spill all my secrets. I don't want you to actually fix my problems because they are too big for a mere human to fix. Instead I just want you to say to me, "Wow Alex, that sucks." Don't tell me that you are sorry it all happened because I am not. It happened for a purpose and if I had a choice, I would still do my semester all over again. I just want people to know everything and understand why I am so confused and dazed. When I say I feel betrayed I want you to know why. When I tell you that one revelation has severely affect my world I want you to know which.

And when God shows Himself, in all His mighty power, I want you to be amazed with me. When we see God coming, sitting victorious over His foes, I want you to shout and yell and praise Him with me. Indescrible does not even begin to sum Him up.